volume 2

you have been the one, you have been the one for me

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

I live in a dorm on campus during the school year. The dorm has some advantages over the more bourgeois off-campus options, like proximity to class and not having to clean up after oneself (in some cases). But the best part is definitely the people your meet and the hilarity that ensues.

This year, the hall I live on has a number of poker addicts. Two to be exact. After being force-fed the World Series of Poker by ESPN for the last year or so, the two frosh enjoy nothing more than ignoring all classwork, stealing furniture from the floor lounge, and burning holes in their pockets all night long. I am happy to oblige, understanding the fact that the money they lose has to go somewhere.

After tonight's round of festivities, Bite Me and Rooney are both down around $40 on the school year. In the same amount of time, I'm up about $5. The way I see it, that might be the one drink I buy at the bar that gets me laid, all thanks to a couple of freshmen with a gambling problem. Thank you, Norm Chad.

The other interesting character is Turkish, the 6'2 British exchange student. If John Lennon and Margaret Thatcher had a love child, and he was raised by David Beckham and that Spice girl, that child would be about half as British as Turkish is. He's gotten drunk with most of Arsenal of the English Premiere League. He claims that Joss Stone tried to seduce him. In other words, he's very, very British.

One night, he insisted that we watch Snatch in order to get a taste of his culture. I enjoyed the movie, but I can't count the number of times where Turkish would cry out in hysterical laughter while the rest of us Americans stared blankly at the screen. The only things we contributed to the viewing were critques of Brad Pitt's makeup artist and the occasional "Hey, is that Don Cheedle?"

Turkish does provide some utility to us "Amahricahns." While we all know the standard bugger and wanker, Turkish gives us new, previously unheard-of slang and catch-phrases on a regualr basis. For example, a pikey as I learned from the movie, is a poor gypsy, and can be used as a very effective curse. The British have unique words for things normal everyday college student say anyway. For example, a fit bird is a hot chick. Or when asking a question, just add yeah to the end of the sentence. So, here's a quick lesson in Blythe (British english, if you will):

Turkish sees a sorority girl standing next to a frat boy:

"See next to that pikey over there. She's a fit bird, yeah?"

At which point, Turkish strolls over to the fit bird and gets her number. As I've learned while hanging out with him, Turkish milks his "sexy" British accent for all its worth when it comes to the ladies. I've personally witnessed him bring home three girls in three nights, and kick those same three girls out on three mornings. I'm around him so much that I've picked up a bit of his accent, and plan on using it on some unsuspecting lady when I'm really drunk or really bored. Sounds like an experiment to me...

Speaking of experiments, I plan to give you the last update and grand conclusion of my grand experiment sometime over the weekend. Stay tuned...

posted by accident at 10:02:00 PM +

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