volume 2

you have been the one, you have been the one for me

Saturday, August 14, 2004

Tuesday, August 10. 3:17 pm. At work.

I show up on time (as usual) for my normal 3-close shift after two days off. There are a good number of people in the store, and business is bustling. I'm on a register, and one of the managers, Joey, approaches me on the side with a concerned look.

"Hey, Mo. I know you've been off for a couple of days, but we've had a shoplifter come through twice. He's ripping the security tags off of a bunch of Nike Dri-Fit shirts and walking out the door with them on under his clothes. Here's a picture of him."

Joey hands me a still-frame from our security cameras. 6'3", about 225lbs black man with a shaved head. Steals-R-Us looks like the bastard love-child of Will Smith and Eddie George."Oh, ok Joey. I'll be sure to keep an eye out for him." I go back to my work without a sliver of second thought.

About an hour later, I'm helping a customer rig up a 450 lb. gun cabinet in his truck when, out of the corner of my eye, I see, of all things, John Edwards snowballing Howard Stern in the parking lot...

Ok, no, not really. I actually see none other than Steal-R-Us himself walking towards the store from the near end of the parking lot. He is carrying a plastic shopping bag, which he timely dumps behind a tree, then proceeds in a labored gait towards the store.

I finish nonchalantly with the customer, then hustle and get Joey on the horn. I find him on the floor, hitting golf balls in our indoor range. I give him the low down, and we immediately camp out by the door.

Steals-R-Us walks in. He has sunglasses on, but it's definitely him. Dude is bigger than the security photo. A lot bigger. He might actually be Eddie George. Joey agrees with me. Steals-R-Us heads towards the Nike rack, right on schedule. "Go back to the front end and pretend like nothing is wrong. I'll handle this." Joey sounds like Rambo on PCP as he darts off, sneaking and hiding behind racks of clothes, tailing the suspect. I go back to work on the front end, and pretend like nothing is wrong.

Ten minutes pass. Then twenty. Then forty. Nothing happens. I've been keeping an eye out on the door, and Steals-R-Us hasn't left the building. I page Joey over the speakers. Nothing. I guess it's safe to go back to work. I deal with some bitchy lady complaining about her crappy workout DVD.

Out of nowhere, there's a loud crash. Steals-R-Us comes blazing around a corner, thrashing two large metal stands, sending golf balls everywhere. He comes raging down the power aisle, the fifteen-foot wide main walkway that runs down the middle of the store. Steals-R-Us narrowly misses another pair of metal racks, and makes no attempt to avoid a middle-aged mother. He bowls her over with ease. He runs a lot like Eddie George, too.

I watch as these events pass in slow motion, wondering who's going to stop Steals-R-Us. I keep watching him as he picks up speed coming down the power aisle. He knocks over a stand full of flyers about 20 feet from the door. The stand doesn't slow him down at all. He glances back over his shoulder as he approaches the door. As he starts to turn head back, Steals-R-Us is inches from freedom, about to successfully shoplift from Dick's Sporting Goods for the third time in a row, when he crashes full-speed, face first into the main set of double doors. All 225 lbs. of him bounce of the aluminum-framed Plexiglas doors, and slam down on the floor unconscious with an audible smack.

What people don't notice about our store is that when they come in, they have to use a different set of doors to leave. The main set of double doors are only one way, and force customers to go around to the smaller side doors through the checkout area. Steals-R-Us picked the worse possible time to forget about the trick doors, and now he lay on the ground in handcuffs, surrounded by police officers, nursing a tumor-like welt sprouting from the side of his forehead.

What I had just witnessed was almost so funny I forgot to laugh. Literally. When Joey finally arrived at the scene, he didn't. Customers and associates alike quickly gathered around began to question each other as to what circumstances brought us to our present state. A great deal of hysterical laughter ensued. Overhearing their conversations, I discover that I was the only one who actually witnessed the incident in its entirety, from the initial sprint, to the titanic impact climax. The police took my statement, and rapidly hurried Steals-R-Us into a car and off to the state pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Absolutely the funniest thing that has happened while I was at work. Ever. Hopefully tomorrow isn't so eventful.

posted by accident at 1:51:00 AM +

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