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you have been the one, you have been the one for me

Monday, July 05, 2004

A few posts ago, I detailed a very elaborate and ambitious experiment to find out the most efficient means of getting laid. Here's a short summary:

Two chicks at work. One blonde, one brunette. TheBlonde gets the Doormat treatment, while TheVampiress gets the Colin Ferrell treatment. Stir over low heat until mixed well and enjoy.

Ok, in reality things didn't go so smoothly. The experiment has gone quite fubar in fact since its inception due to a number of improbable circumstances. However, Days of Our Lives could still film an episode or two at the store and the viewers would be none the wiser. Let me explain.

For some reason, it seems as though my co-workers have an affinity for dating within the building. In recent weeks, TheBlonde has been showing up regularly at hours during which she is not working. These unscheduled visits curiously coincide with the ending of the shifts of a certain golf shop employee we'll call TheFan. By all accounts, TheBlonde and TheFan spend quite a great deal of time together in, um, extra-curricular activities. Good for TheFan, not good for the experiment.

TheFan is a cool dude, one of them good ol' boys from Fuquay-Varina who loves Carolina and all its glory almost as much as I do. He recently made the switch from apparel (where TheBlonde works) to his dream position at the store, the golf shop. Needless to say things are going well for TheFan and I am happy for him, but his irresistible charm has basically ruined the experiment. Not to fear, Mo is here to save the day.

The Colin Ferrell, Don't-Be-Such-A-Pussy technique has had much improved results. TheVampiress is almost to the point where I don't even have to make a move, but I've decided to make her work for it a little more.

I'm sure she doesn't have a problem with that though. Today at work, she came to the front to retrieve a load of returned garments, a normal occurrence and excuse for me to work my magic on her. She stands in front of where I was standing and, as if she had no joints in her legs, bends over completely straight-kneed to pick up the pile of clothes. To be sure that I got the point, she gives me a catty look-back from her tripod position and bites her lower lip. Then she stands up and walks away without uttering a word. I'm pretty sure I just stood there with a stupid look on my face.

I continue on with mundane work activities, contemplating the fate of the Grand Experiment, when Susan Lucci shows up, turns the stove up to medium heat, and starts stirring with a bigger spoon.

TheWifey is a cashier at the store that has been employed there only slightly longer than I have been employed there. She is extremely bubbly, to the point where it's barely this side of annoying. She also has some unorganized clutter in the rear storage compartment, if you know what I mean.

Prior to today, we never really interacted beyond a strictly get-customers-in-and-out-as-fast-as-possible level, so when she asked me whether or not I was single, I was completely blown away. Not simply for her interest in my relationship status, but for the fact that TheWifey is most definitely the wifey to her boyfriend of X number of years (I don't know the specifics, but they've been together a while). We happened to be working similar closing shifts, and at many points during the night made some obvious verbal and not so verbal come-ons. Another surprising twist was the fact that these come-ons were mixed in with some redundant chatter about said boyfriend, chatter that reflected a typically healthy, attached-at-the-hip relationship. I'm still scratching my head about it while I sit here and write.

Work is pretty exciting nowadays. I will keep the loyal reader on top of things in upcoming posts, so check back often. Until next time...

posted by accident at 11:02:00 PM +

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