volume 2

you have been the one, you have been the one for me

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Having the day off from work, I went to the beach Monday with my friend Manny. Yet another comrade from hockey, Manny and I caught up on old times in the perfect weather and cold waters of Wrightsville Beach in Wilmington, North Carolina.

Manny and I are both very single, so the subject of chasing women comes up early and often in our discussions. Manny's summer job as a host at a local restaurant affords him many new opportunities to get laid. Being acquainted to a few of said opportunities, I am jealous.

Most of the reason why I am jealous is the fact that my own summer employment has many fewer females that are easy on the eyes. Don't get me wrong, there is an abundance of women who would make outstanding drinking buddies after a long day at work. However, drinking buddies are not for carnal satisfaction, especially when they are only marginally attractive on their best hair day. Or they are fucking your boss, whichever. In fact, ask anyone at the store and the consensus will agree that there are only two viable candidates for "out of uniform" relations: Melissa and Amy.

I would have to agree with the consensus. Melissa is a lanky surfer chick who is very, very blonde. As in smart-as-a-brick and addicted-to-retail blonde. A cartoonist could draw her using only straight lines. Amy, on the other hand, is quite a bit more curvy (in the right spots of course) and tops off her short, stand-offish stature with a long auburn pony-tail that's always pulled too tight. Amy has an incredible rack going for her, but most might not even notice it because, well let's just say she should have come with Manny and I to the beach.

When Manny brought up the topic of hot co-workers, these two specimens quickly came to mind. Soon after, a crazy little idea involving these two also came to mind. No, no, not an after-hours menage on the table in the employee lounge, but a nifty little experiment. But first, a short prequel.

I usually frown on the idea of dating/fucking within the workplace. No, I don't find it unprofessional and yes, a person spends a great deal of time with potential mates at work, but the possibility for disaster is just too great. Imagine having to see and interact with and ex eight hours a day for five days a week. Now, imagine putting your hand into a running blender. I assure you the first is worse. It is for this reason that I can say I am not attracted to either Melissa or Amy in the slightest sense. This non-attraction makes them perfect candidates for my experiment on male-female interactions and attraction. I will ambitiously call it "How to Get Laid."

Most men act like needy puppies around women, trying to get in the door by being a doormat. Picture the results. Other men exude confidence by being arrogant and poking fun at women, or in other words treating women the way your mom told you not to. These men have appreciably better success. My experiment will test these two methods against each other: the Doormat approach will be applied to Melissa, and the Colin Ferrell approach will be applied to Amy.

The results should be interesting. Updates will be forth-coming. Please comment with your two cents on my experiment. Even if everyone hates it, at least now I have something to do at work.

posted by accident at 11:57:00 PM +

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