i went out to the bars tonight. actually just one bar, the one bar called hes not here. on tuesday nights its the place to be because no one else has cheap beer on tuesday nights.

i met up with a girl i know there. it happened to be her bday, the big one niner, so i decided to buy her underage ass jaeger shots all damn night. we had a few large cups of really cheap beer in between as well. her indian friend and designated driver for the night was really cool. i taught them both how to play darts because if im a bad ass mutha fuckah at anything, its throwing darts at a dartboard. those things are dangerous around drunk people though. you better watch out, you might poke your eye out with one of those things.

i dont use pickup lines. ever. the easiest way to meet people (read: pretty little girls) is to be completely honest, even when you are trying to pick them up or get the digits or show them your newly washed sheets within hours of meeting them. im no casanova, so boys, stop emailing me asking about how to get pretty girls to notice you. a magician never gives away his secrets, and im not telling you the double secret magic failsafe lines that always always get the ladies acting like they think you are and interesting human being.

if i did have any advice for the hopeless and romantically lost, it would go a little sumthin like this:

-stop wearing the same thing everyone else it wearing. its like camoflauge. it makes you blend in with the crowd, and you dont want that.

-stop saying the same thing everyone else is saying. the hottest of the opposite sex dont care about how many beers you can drink or about how you got soooooooo tanked last night that you puked all over your room. keep your bodily fluids to yourself.

-stop thinking the same thing everyone else is thinking. if youre in a meat market bar/club/nightspot, everyone is thinking the same thing. if you have a different mindset (read: not trying to fuck the nearest thing with two legs) people will notice. ask what shes drinking, ask her if she knows this song, ask her why her friend is being so drunk and making an ass of herself.

those tips come with a money back guarentee, haters. dont be mad at me just cuz my only bad habit is coming home with more numbers and goodbye smooches than you do.

cat wasnt hanging out with any of her friends though. the frat boy sitting next to her nursing his booze could barely keep his head up. the picnic table could carry on a conversation better than he could.

shes working over the summer. some kinda internship where you get coffee and answer phones, but you get to write it down on your resume and it looks good. she hates it, just like she hated blade runner when we watched it in film class. i said whatever you luv you some harrison ford.

she said no, i like edward norton.

i said me too and she smiled.

dont playa hate! playa par ti see paight!

seacrest out.

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