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you have been the one, you have been the one for me


Thursday, July 22, 2004

Working a part time job is a rite of passage for the majority of American adolescents (except the talented tenth and Paris Hilton, of course). The grueling hours and the measly sums teach us the valuable lessons of time and money management. However, these aren't the only lessons learned.
 
I've been working crappy part-time jobs since I was 15. Most of the aforementioned jobs are in the retail sales sector; stores including but not limited to: grocery stores, clothing stores, sporting goods stores, Wal/K-Mart/Target. Restaurants don't count because those employees are paid based on how much customer ass they can kiss. My experience in retail sales has taught me to basically hate the customers that tend to frequent these shops.
 
In the honor of anyone who's had to deal with shitty customers while working at a shitty job for shitty pay, I bring you Mo's Top Five Things I Would Say to Customers If I Could.
 
5. No, you don't need a bag - A good number of retail customers are reasonably sane when it comes to asking for bags, but it would make you cry how many aren't. No, you don't need a bag for your pack of gum and no, you don't need a bag to carry your treadmill. Sorry, but you have a body part between your ears that needs more work than your flabby ass.
 
4. Its right under the sign that says (insert item you're looking for here), idiot -After you're done here, you might want to stop by that Lenscrafters across the street. Oh, and you might want to just walk.
 
3. No, I can't give you a refund - For some reason, soccer moms watch a lot of Dateline. Dateline gives them crazy ideas like oh, I can eat half a cake, then return it for a refund by telling them it didn't taste right. Then they tell their husbands that he can take that driver he just broke over his knee after a shitty round back and say it was defective. Fuck Dateline.
 
2. Yes, that is the correct price - Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch. I don't care what Barbara Walters said last night. That price is right and no, it is not negotiable. It's not your credit card, it's your rich husband's, so what difference does it make any way? (If I'm right, I can actually say this, but it's always met with frowns and more bitching.) 
 
1. Have a horrible day - Thank you for being an arrogant, money-grubbing dick. What in the world makes you think you can just walk in here and act like you deserve to be treated better than anyone else?  I hope that steak you just bought has E.coli and AIDS in it. Go away and don't come back.



posted by accident at 1:34:00 AM +